Happiness they say is a state of mind. You can also say it is a choice and a decision to be in that state of mind.

In a relationship, when can you say that you are truly happy? Is it defined by being together, happily married where one would never dare to let go of the other so they can both raise what society perceives as a happy family mainly because you stuck together while the many others have gone on separate ways and ended up being labelled as a dysfunctional family, coming from a broken home?

But what if you may be technically together, but in mind and heart and physical presence, you mostly are not?

I was born to a family whose linear ancestry do not have parents who separated. If ever they did, it was because one spouse passed away ahead of the other. We have always held on to that value of family and to fight for the relationship we have with our partners.

Growing up, I was always proud to say I never witnessed my parents fight in the context of heated arguments. I would sense that there was tension between them when both gave each other the cold shoulder treatment which could go on for days. And I did not mind at all because the household was still peaceful despite the tension since nobody was talking.

However, now that we are all grown ups and my parents have advanced in their years, I am seeing the same scene being played again and again. And this time, those years of myself feeling proud for not seeing them argue and fight with words, turned to wishing that they did. Because when there is argument, there is exchange of words. It might be a result of miscommunication but nonetheless, there was communication that took place. Something which my seemingly happily married parents of almost 40 years still struggle with.

We all know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect family. Every relationship has its own sets of challenges, flaws and stories to tell. I am married and I have seen the highs and lows of my own married life, how my husband and I also fought with each other while fighting for our relationship to be where we are at this stage of our lives. We have also grown personally and as a couple, along with our own children. Yes, we are grown ups who are still working on growing up to full maturity and wisdom.

If there is one thing I have learned and continue to learn from my parents with regards to relationship and family, it is to never give up on each other. Something which probably was also passed on to them by their own parents and the entire ancestry before them.

And for that, I am grateful.

However, if there is also one thing which I would want to change, it is to have the courage to speak out and agree to disagree, if only to keep the communication lines open. Easier said than done? Yes. But impossible? No.

During a wedding ceremony, there is a part where a question is asked followed by a line that says “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Indeed, if you don’t speak, what does not come out of the mouth, is kept hidden in the heart. Over the years, it can pile up and who knows where it will lead to.

So as the year unfolds with this couple about to celebrate their 40 years of marriage, I could not help but wonder, are my parents truly happy?

I look back and I look on. Maybe they are. Maybe they’re not. I realize it actually depends on how they would define their own happiness. In this aspect, only they can tell.

Just as I ask myself, “Am I truly happy?” Because in reality, there are times, I can give a resounding,”Yes!” in the same way I can shout a “No!”

Happiness can be a place, a person, an event, a thing, an experience. It can be anything. No one can truly tell what happy is for another. How you define happy is how you see you.